Life knows how to keep itself interesting. It knows just how to challenge my mind set. It knows I have control. Tonight I’m in love again, with something so sweet. Realizing my potential has created so much happiness and stress all at once. Today’s phone conversation with momma made me float straight up. I can still see the smiles below me. Sometime soon I’ll be freer than I am now. The tense feelings will dissipate and my smile will come more naturally again. There is a slight weight hovering over me. I am sad. I am everything.
I miss the element of surprise, but I must understand that I am a part of a process. This is not immediate. This is development, and I’m dealing with a specifically difficult case. It has been so long since I’ve seen square one, and although it feels fresh, there is also a sense of longing. For comfort and settlement. I understand, but now I must accept. Cool beans.
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…”—Aldous Huxley, Island
“I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits.”—Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934
I’m at the brink of progress. I just need to zone in now. I should take this and run. My fingernails have all been chewed. There’s not much time left. I need to pack up mentally, and leave. Don’t worry, this is all mental. I’m not going anywhere. There’s so much to do here. So much to face. This weekend should be spicy. I won’t expect too much though. This is a long, winding, road of uncertainty. My favorite to travel. Wish me luck.